Fear

Warm wrapped by brick and wool around a burning ember against the freezing rains I ponder why I choose the comfort of the fire

I’ve stepped into a familiar place of dark sounds and bright music

I walk out remembering how it used to be how the pain kept me company how demons taunted me following me home

Six months I took to face them to call them by their name and tell em I was not afraid for I too belong and no one shall erase me

Six months I took to point all ten of my fingers and ten of my toes at everyone that wasn’t me until I learned to swallow the blame myself and accept culpability

Six months I took to rewrite my story with and old eraser on paper, traces of the old words still legible when the page is flipped in the sun

All the tears and cursing the gnashing of teeth and beating of chest, the thoughts of blades and ropes and ends of bridges brought only fear and more fear bred nothing but more pain

Six months it took to realise I existed to truly smile behind a disbelieving cynic stewing curled in a soup of agony squatting rent free in a home long repossessed

Months have passed since and here I am, at the doorstep surrounded by the same dark and lights, but the same demons now glare at me like tamed beasts, like I have been hallowed, a ring surrounds me lest I be killed if a shred of the fear ever comes back

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